Son: “Polar bears are so cold, and I’m really cold.”
Mom: “Well, you do have an icepack wrapped around your head.”
Son (suddenly hysterical): “Aaah! What’s that on my arm?”
Mom: “They put gauze over the spot where you had an IV.”
Son: “They told me I have to swallow the gauze, but I’ll die!”
Mom: “No, son, you don’t have to swallow the gauze.”
Son: “Yes, I do mom! The doctor said I have to swallow the gauze!”
Handsome doctor enters from behind curtain. Mom swoons slightly.
Doctor: “You don’t have to swallow the gauze, just hold it between your teeth.”
Mom realizes she is recording doctor instead of son, and quickly adjusts the video camera before embarrassing situation ensues.
On the way home, we stopped for applesauce, ice cream and prescription pain killers for son, and a solid meal for me. At this point, his hunger had escalated, and the smell of my hamburger was driving him crazy. But since I’d already been deemed a horrible mother, I ate in front of him anyway.
Keeping in the vein of “horrible mother” I uploaded son’s crazy videos to YouTube, then shared them with his girlfriend. We had a good laugh together, asking him questions like, “What does it feel like to be a polar bear?”
As the evening came to a close, the surgeon called to see how he was doing. When I hung up the phone, 20-year-old daughter questioned the goofy grin on my face.
“Oh, I just have a bit of a crush on the doctor. No big deal.”
“Mom, you didn’t make me undergo $30,000 worth of orthognathic surgery and have my jaw wired shut just because you like the doctor, did you?”
“Seriously? What kind of mother do you think I am?”
“A horrible one!”
Suddenly, I remembered, I still need to upload daughter’s anesthesia videos to YouTube.
Ginger is an author, speaker and mother of five. Contact her at email@example.com.