Lebanon Reporter

Columns

February 25, 2014

The complete guide to makin' bacon

Why do I write so many columns poking fun at magazines? I have skewered Handyman magazine, Storage Solutions and Muscle Fitness, to name a few. This is because each month when I go to refill my cholesterol medicines at the pharmacy, I have to walk past the periodical display. I need a distraction, so I grab something off the shelf, plop down in the corner and read it cover to cover. This annoys the store manager, who tells me to get up off my fatty acids or I won’t get my Lipitor.

This week I saw a cooking magazine that takes the cake. Actually, cake would have been healthier. The Food Network’s newest offering is titled The Bacon Issue. Yes, it’s an entire 300 pages devoted to bacon, a strategy to compensate for their relatively poor-selling Tofu/Kale issue. The cover story says you can find 108 amazing recipes inside, which, by the way, includes 27 really bizarre ones — like the chocolate bacon cupcakes on the cover. Also on the front is a photo of a lollipop made out of bacon, the perfect way to lure the little ones away from sugar, which we all know is so unhealthy.

Inside the magazine is a detachable tiny booklet that contains 50 recipes for bacon appetizers. Things like: bacon jam, bacon-wrapped bananas and bacon ice cream. You wedge this little brochure in your back pocket and if you are stuck at a party where the only hors d’oeuvre is a vegetable plate and yogurt dip, you can offer a subtle hint by leaving the brochure next to the broccoli before you split for the Rib Shack.

Dessert lovers need not shrink in despair. How about a giant BLT cake? It’s not made with the traditional ingredients, but it does look like the classic sandwich. The bacon is fashioned out of tootsie rolls, the tomatoes are made of red gummy bears and the mayo is plain white frosting. Sliced angel food cake substitutes for the bread. Don’t ask me about the lettuce. Trust me: do not ask me about the lettuce.

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