Lebanon Reporter


December 31, 2013

A year of laughter


My wife, who was bitten by our cat. The bite swelled while we were with some friends so we all went to the emergency room with Mary Ellen. The Wolfsies have good health insurance, making it a cheaper night out than a movie.

The folks at Hammacher Schlemmer, whose early Christmas catalog featured a Shark Bait sleeping bag for kids. It contained this endorsement: “It facilitates sleep, even while the child appears as though he is being digested.” Don't buy one. In two weeks, they'll be on Craigslist at a fraction of the price.

Whatever it was that got in my nose and made me sneeze 42 times in a row. This is just an estimate, because you don't start counting sneezes until you realize it's the beginning of a historic run … and then it's too late. Belches and hiccups you start counting from the very beginning.

Jamie Lee Curtis, whose commercial for Activia begins with “I'm having an affair with my yogurt.” This is a great way to get a yeast infection. Or is it the best way to avoid one? I have no idea. I'm a guy.

The entire Jewish population of Sweden who became outraged that there was pork in their moose lasagna, meaning it was not 100 percent Kosher. Or as my rabbi would say: Not Kosher. The company pulled the pork-tainted casserole off the shelves, which made it even more popular, because, after all, who doesn't like pulled pork?The British PhD candidate whose research concluded that planet Earth would last another four billion years. Asked by a local reporter what he planned to do once he got his degree, Mr. Rushby reportedly said that he couldn't think that far ahead.

And finally, on a serious note, a thank you to myself for resisting the advice of a well-meaning emergency care veterinarian who recommended seven months ago that I put my then-ailing beagle to sleep because he probably only had a few days to live. I have to go now. Toby wants to go for a walk.

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