Lebanon Reporter

Columns

May 20, 2014

New juicer proves to be my main squeeze

I love juice. All kinds of juice. We bought one of those expensive juicers, so every morning I stick in a banana, half an apple, some grapes and a pear. Then I push the button and bingo: a banana, half an apple, some grapes and a pear. No juice; more like a still-life painting (with a whirring sound in the background). Any clue what I did wrong?By the way, don’t confuse me with the 85-year-old guy on TV who hawks his own juice maker. He says that because he drinks juice every day, he has just fathered triplets. This was not a motivating factor for me to drink juice. In fact, I’m going to lay off the juice starting when I’m 83. I’m not taking any chances. And even though my wife will be 79 then, I’m taking the V-8 away from her, also.

My long association with juice has made me a keen observer of some conundrums, juicy little tidbits about this healthful food source.1. Why is there no raisin juice? There is prune juice, which is from dried up plums. Why not raisin juice? If you can squeeze a prune, why can’t you squeeze a raisin?2. Prune juice is actually plum juice. You can’t get juice from a prune. I don’t care what I said in the last point. They call it prune juice so seniors will buy it.3. Apple juice contains 100 percent of your daily requirement of Vitamin C, but apple cider has no Vitamin C. Where did the Vitamin C go?4. If vegetable juice is fat free, why is vegetable oil 100 percent fat? I’ve been asking that question for 10 years and still haven’t gotten an answer I like.5. Why is there no cantaloupe juice? Cantaloupes are just waiting to be squeezed. They are full of juice. But it’s cruel and inhuman, like not milking a cow.6. Does white grape juice stain like red grape juice, but you just can’t see the stain? (This will keep you up all night, so don’t think about it too much.)7. Why does orange juice in a can taste like grapefruit juice? Trust me, it does.8. Why can’t I get grape juice with pulp?9. Why did lemonade become such a hit? Who handled the PR for limeade, anyway?10. If orange juice is 100 percent juice, then what is concentrate? Maybe 500 percent juice?11. Some orange juice has no pulp. I like pulp. What did they do with the pulp? Did they throw it out? I wouldn’t mind buying some extra pulp. I’d put it in my grape juice.12. Why is all grape juice from concentrate? You can buy fresh orange juice, and fresh grapefruit juice, but no fresh grape juice. I’d sure love to know why. I mean, wine isn’t from concentrate. Hey, there’s an idea…!13. And finally, I want to know why I can’t buy pure cranberry juice. It’s always in some kind of cocktail. I think that should be my decision. Maybe I don’t feel like a cocktail, not at 7:00 a.m. in the morning, anyway.

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