Lebanon Reporter


October 23, 2012

Take this early holiday shopping quiz

Happy holidays, everyone!  I know we’re still two months away from Santa’s visit, but no one told my mailman or the companies that have already sent me over a dozen catalogs with gift-giving ideas. Can you guess which of the following items are legit and which ones I made up? Read on, to find out.

Remote-control candles:  What a dreamy idea. Instead of an aromatic wax candle to set a romantic mood, you dig around in the sofa cushions looking for a remote to click on the artificial illumination. The ad says the LED lights last 100,000 hours, which is more snuggling than I had in mind for the rest of my life.

‘No poop’ sign:  This nifty lawn ornament is a large silhouette of a dog leaving a deposit on your front lawn. The word NO is printed in big gold letters on the squatting canine, a warning to people walking their pooches that your grass area is off limits for their pets’ daily business.  Of course, since dogs can’t read, the sign makes Rover think this is exactly the place he’s supposed to go.

Double-barreled marshmallow crossbow:  Get it before the Democrats pass toy gun control legislation. Completely harmless, unless marshmallows are toasted and contain a hot sticky center. Not recommended at airport checkpoints or diabetes support group meetings.

The talking measuring cup:  Yes, a chatty measuring device, the perfect gift for men who refuse to follow directions in the car or when preparing a recipe. As you mix ingredients, a female voice informs you how much flour, milk or water you have added and when to stop. It’s the same woman’s voice as your GPS. What if you add way too much salt by mistake? “Recalculating, recalculating … add three more pounds of ground beef.”

The six-foot-tall teddy bear:  This life-like stuffed bear is the perfect gift for any child, unless he or she just watched a story on the news about a lone hiker in Yosemite National Park who was mauled by a grizzly.   

Seashell toilet seats:  Easy to attach, this decorative commode replacement has preserved sea creatures embedded inside the Plexiglas frame. And what’s more comforting than the very thought that your bare bottom is about to make contact with shells, seahorses and starfish?

The remote-control tarantula:  Perfect for bullies, sadists, and practical jokers with absolutely no sense of decency.  Comes in black, jet black, ebony and midnight blue.

Dog dung vacuum:  Why carry a little plastic bag that could weigh as much as half an ounce and cost close to a nickel, when for $200.00 you can tote the Dog Dung Vacuum, which is the size of a leaf blower?  The manufacturer says that after you use it, it stores unobtrusively in the hall closet, but neighbors who see you in their yard will tell the cops you were walking your toy poodle armed with an assault weapon.

Hands-free hair regenerator:  This device fits over your cranium and then zaps you with rejuvenating lasers, because if there’s one thing that will make hair grow (claims the manufacturer), it’s a little photo-bio-stimulation. The device is 100 percent hands-free, which allows you to scratch your head, wondering why you blew $700.00 on this ridiculous item.

Guess what? These are all actual products. Maybe you’ll get lucky Christmas morning.

Text Only

Featured items
Click below to browse and order photos

Photos from June 2014

Twitter Updates
Follow us on twitter
AP Video
Ariz. Inmate Dies 2 Hours After Execution Began Crash Kills Teen Pilot Seeking World Record LeBron James Sends Apology Treat to Neighbors Raw: Funeral for Man Who Died in NYPD Custody Migrants Back in Honduras After US Deports Israeli American Reservist Torn Over Return Raw: ISS Cargo Ship Launches in Kazakhstan Six Indicted in StubHub Hacking Scheme Former NTSB Official: FAA Ban 'prudent' EPA Gets Hip With Kardashian Tweet Bodies of MH17 Victims Arrive in the Netherlands Biden Decries Voting Restrictions in NAACP Talk Broncos Owner Steps Down Due to Alzheimer's US, UN Push Shuttle Diplomacy in Mideast Trump: DC Hotel Will Be Among World's Best Plane Crashes in Taiwan, Dozens Feared Dead Republicans Hold a Hearing on IRS Lost Emails Raw: Mourners Gather As MH17 Bodies Transported Robot Parking Valet Creates Stress-free Travel Raw: Fight Breaks Out in Ukraine Parliament

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide