Published: May 06, 2008 03:09 pm            

A cautionary tale against bringing home a buzzard

IT’S TURKEY SEASON — Yes, it is turkey season and no, I’m not going to tell you about my most recent hunt. When I found myself including the phrase, “quivering with rage” in the column, I decided to take the high road and simply report that we had an interesting day in the field.

A person who intentionally inflicts pain upon himself is considered a masochist. A person who intentionally chases a rather stupid yet highly skittish bird for fun is called a turkey hunter. I’m not sure which one is the worse mental defect.

Have I painted a picture yet? Moving on…

A TRUE STORY — This corner rarely includes third-party stories because they are so often a collection of so much hooey. However, during my recent ill-fated turkey hunt, I was finally forced to laugh, then violently laugh, then guffaw until my ribs felt like they had been struck with a sledgehammer. Wiping away the tears and coughing loudly, I decided to share the tale with both regular readers on the chance they might too find humor in what is actually a fairly disgusting story.

My friend swears it is true, even though I had not heard it before from the source. However based on past experiences I’m sure there is a significant portion of fact in the story. It also relates to a recent item printed in this column.

The protagonist in this tale shall remain nameless but he is an older gentleman well known to this writer and we have spent many years hunting and fishing together. He is also that person whom we all know that can look at a simple situation and turn it into a full blow, four-alarm catastrophe in the name of fun. This was one of those times.

The event occurred decades ago and involves an act that was rather stupid and childish at the time (go figure) but apparently not illegal.

The storyteller and my buddy were out hunting coyotes one day with rifles when they happened to spy a large gathering of buzzards feasting on the odiferous remains of some poor creature that had met its demise a week earlier on a country road.

Looking upon the group, my buddy impulsively decided that a full taxidermy mount of a turkey vulture would be a tremendous addition to his home decor. Why that would be a better conversation piece than, say, a nice piece of driftwood or an oil painting remains open for debate.

Our hero fired and one buzzard flopped over as his buddies took wing. The victorious rifleman walked over and picked up the stinking, gore-covered bird then threw it into the trunk of his sedan. The two men then drove to another buddy whom they knew was an amateur taxidermist.

At the taxidermist’s home, my friend inquired he would mount the buzzard. After a bit of haggling, they agreed upon a price and the three men walked up to the trunk of the vehicle. The storyteller stated that he heard an ominous rustling from inside as my buddy turned the key in the lock.

As the lid popped open, the now-conscious buzzard stood up from inside the car like the Phoenix arising, spread its wings wide, squawked loudly then proceeded to vomit with great force and volume. For several moments its head swiveled like a lawn sprinkler spewing liquefied rancid roadkill all over my buddy and the car.

The smell was unbearable. The storyteller claims that small trees within 30 feet began shedding leaves and several flying insects died in midair. My buddy tried to grab the now active bird as it continued to flop and spew an upchuck geyser. The struggle turned into a wrestling match with the bird expending its entire stomach contents on his hapless tormentor. In the end, the bird met his demise but not before exacting well-deserve revenge.

 I’m guessing my buddy’s wife did the same thing later when she entered the laundry room and opened up the hamper.

KAYAK TROUBLE — I was interested to read that the USA Today newspaper recently did a story on the growing number of people injured in kayaking accidents.

Apparently, based upon the fact that kayaks are now readily available in superstore and mega-retailers, more people are buying the boats and heading out without proper instruction. I see this as a reasonable assumption because when I went through my “whitewater phase,” a boat could only be purchased through a reputable outdoor outfitter and buyers were informally vetted or at least offered instruction.

This story reminded me of a comedian on the Bob and Tom radio show who recently pointed out several prescription drug commercials prominently feature blithe groups of people happily kayaking down the river.

He pointed out that instead of treating the problems with medication, perhaps we should investigate the sanitary conditions of America’s rental kayak fleet.

        

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